What Is A Modern Wedding Ceremony?

You Don't Have to Follow Traditions That Don't Serve You

One of the things I probably say more often than any other celebrant is, “You know, you don't actually have to do that.”

After 17 years as a marriage celebrant creating and conducting ceremonies for more than 1000 couples, I've met a lot of people who arrive at the planning stage with an unspoken checklist of things they believe they're supposed to include.

Somewhere along the line someone has told them that the groom shouldn't see the bride before the ceremony. They think they can’t get ready together. They've been told the bride stands on the left and the groom is on the right. They've heard they need a special acknowledgement of their Mums, a religious reading, or a specific ceremony length.

And when I ask them why, the answer is often: “Isn't that just what you do?”

Well... no. Not anymore.

Somewhere in the last 6 years or so, things shifted in a big way. And I think this is one of the best things about planning a wedding right now.

I'm not anti-tradition. I'm anti ‘doing things just because you're supposed to’.

I believe modern weddings can encompass anything you want them to and tradition is not the enemy here.

If walking down the aisle with your dad is something you've dreamed about and that moment is incredibly meaningful to both of you, please do it. If your grandmother's wedding veil has been worn by four generations of your family and you want to be the fifth, I will be up the front getting teary with everyone else about the heritage and history.

If you love traditional vows, say them. If you want the whole big white wedding with bridesmaids, speeches, cake, confetti and all the bells and whistles, I'm not going to try to talk you out of it.

The question I want you to ask is simply: “Does this tradition mean something to us?”

If the answer is yes, keep it.

If the answer is “I think we're just doing it to please Mum or because that's what happens at weddings,” then let's have a chat about whether it still belongs in your wedding. Because, believe it or not, you're not being assessed on how accurately you've followed custom or tradition. There is no score card and you don’t get extra points.

You're celebrating the beginning of your marriage. And while it’s still a little radical to say it out loud, I think that means that you should love and believe in how it’s celebrated.

So what makes a ceremony ‘modern’?

For me, I don’t think a modern wedding ceremony has to be short. It doesn't have to be hilarious. It doesn't have to be off the wall and wildly unconventional or involve some sort of TikTok-worthy ritual that nobody has ever heard of before.

In my book, a modern ceremony is one where the couple getting married makes deliberate and conscious decisions about which elements have a place and which don’t.

Maybe you want to have a first look because you'd rather calm your nerves by seeing your favourite person before the ceremony than wait for a traditional aisle reveal.

Maybe you want your dad to escort you down the aisle, but you don't want him to “give you away” because he doesn’t own you.

Maybe your ceremony will have two brides, two grooms, or you don't really identify with those labels at all.

Maybe you want your kids involved because they're your world and it would be weird not to.

Maybe you're not religious at all and would rather talk about the values you want to bring into your marriage.

Maybe you want a 5-minute ceremony because you just want to crack open the champagne.

Or maybe you want a 30-minute ceremony because you've got a sweet love story and a lot of people you want to acknowledge.

None of those things makes a ceremony more or less modern. The modern part is that you get to choose.

What about cultural and family traditions?

This is where “do whatever feels right to you” needs a little bit of nuance.

Your wedding won't exist in isolation of your everyday life. By getting married you might be bringing together different cultures, religions, family traditions and beliefs, and some of those things may be incredibly important to the people you love.

And these traditions deserve to be carefully examined, understood and respected rather than love it or leave it.

For example, if you're getting married on Kaurna Country and would like to include an Acknowledgement of Country, I'm happy to talk to you about how we can incorporate that into your ceremony in a thoughtful and appropriate way.

But what if you don't know what you want?

You’re in good company and honestly, it’s what I'm here for.

You don't need to arrive at our first meeting with a Pinterest board, colour-coded timeline and your personal vows ready to go.

I'll ask you questions. I'll give you options. I'll share what I've seen work beautifully and what I'd probably steer away from. I'll help you work out what's important to you and what you can happily leave behind.

As your celebrant and unofficial surrogate sister for the wedding-planning period, I'm going to give you the advice and tough love you didn't know you needed.

If you tell me, “We're only doing this because our families expect it,” I'm probably going to ask you a few more questions.

If you tell me, “We really want to do this, but we're worried it's too unconventional,” I'll tell you to go for it and be the one cheering the loudest on the day.

You don't have to know all the answers at the start because we work it all out together.

I also think your ceremony should look forward to the future because the best is yet to come.

Something I love about being a celebrant is that I get to hear so many different stories about how couples found each other, what they’ve been through and how they fell in love.

But the part that really interests me (and the wedding guests) is what comes next.

Your wedding ceremony isn't only a celebration of how you got there. It's also the moment when you publicly say, “This is the person I want to build my future with.”

So when we're creating your ceremony, I don't just want to know what happened on your first date or who made the first move. I want to know what you admire about each other, what you've learnt from each other, what you want your marriage to look like and what you're promising each other when life inevitably gets tough.

Your wedding doesn't have to look like anyone else's

After more than 1,000 ceremonies, I've learnt that there isn't a magic, one size fits all formula for a great wedding ceremony.

The ceremonies I love most aren't necessarily the longest, funniest, most elaborate or most expensive ones. They're the ones where I can look around and think, ‘Yep. This is so bloody them.’

Keep the traditions you love, question the ones that don't make sense, and adapt the ones that almost fit and ditch the traditions you hate. Because ultimately, your wedding ceremony isn't about putting on a good imitation of somebody else's idea of a wedding.

It's about standing beside the person you've chosen and saying, in front of the people who matter most to you, “This is us. This is what we're choosing. And this is the life we're going to build together.”

Cover photo of Faryn and Sam by Time with Alex

Photo of Hayley and Alex by Solemate Studios

Photo of Tess & Michael by Luke John Photography

Photo of Zali & Matt by James Field Photography